The Bachelor Season 19 “Week Two” Review; Boom Like the Truth
Is it just me, or is Chris Soules kind of extremely bad at this? This week, he falls madly in love with a total airhead at the Grand Canyon, sucks face with a virgin genie, and gives his final rose to a psycho zombie killer. Let’s dive in!
More Kardashian than Kountry
From everything I’ve heard this season, I’d say Chris is a mix between Juan Pablo and Sean Lowe. His heart was in the right place with a good, clean tractor race, but he had the girls driving in bikinis after walking the streets of Los Angeles with him. Sure, it’s a far cry from posing naked with rescue dogs, but he doesn’t hesitate to remind us fans that he is, after all, a man. Much to his dismay, Ashley I. wins the race and Chris rewards her by taking Mackenzie to a bar. It’s a good thing Chris Harrison told him, “there are no rules,” huh? Mackenzie and Chris proceed to drink more liquid courage, which does nothing for Mackenzie as she makes waaaayyy too big of a deal telling Chris about her son, Kale. I’m sure Chris is thinking that she would make a perfect farmer’s wife because she’ll want to name all of their children after vegetables, but fails to ask about her baby daddy. She mentions that she raised this toddler (we saw her playing with him in last week’s introductions, he’s super young!) by herself, but we have no idea what that means. She’s only 21, so I think it’s safe to assume that she didn’t decide to get pregnant by a sperm donor after catching a glimpse at her biological clock. So Mackenzie either had a one-night stand with Kale’s father or he’s the ultimate deadbeat.
Back at the mansion, Juelia gathers the bachelorette’s for Ultra-Depressing Story Time. I can actually see Kelsey’s “oh crap” face as Juelia tells the women the tale of her husband committing suicide right after their daughter’s birth. If you don’t recall, Kelsey is also a widow, but her husband died of heart failure…and we thought she was going to be the next Bachelorette! Sorry, Kelsey. Juelia’s story has Emily Maynard written all over it.
Best Blue Eyes in North America
If nothing else, we can definitely call Chris unpredictable. After making such a strong connection with the likes of Britt and Kaitlyn, Chris decides to throw caution into the wind and invite Megan on the first one-on-one date. She’s clearly never seen a single episode of The Bachelor or Bachelorette though, because she somehow thinks that Chris’ cryptic date card is a love note that reads “Love is a natural wonder.” Yes, this is the same woman who didn’t understand Kaitlyn’s dirty joke at the first cocktail party, but I had chocked that up to her pure heart. I really can’t be that mean to her after she reveals that her father passed away unexpectedly right before the show started filming, but I’ll start throwing things at the TV if she brings him up on every date a la Clare Crawley. In all honesty, I suppose having a wife that’s a bit dense is much better than bringing home a drunk or a potty mouth. Compared to Chris’ other picks, Megan might be a great catch. After all, how smart does she need to be to land the job of an Iowa housewife? OK, before you go all One Million Moms on me, I’ll have you know that this writer moonlights (or is it daylights?) as a housewife, and I’m pretty smart, right? Right???
As if we haven’t heard enough about death this week, Chris has the bright idea to take another group of women on a terrifyingly creepy paintballing date. The creepy part of the date has nothing to do with the zombies they’ll be hunting, of course, but with Ashley’s insane enthusiasm for the activity. Not only are the other girls at risk by merely putting a gun in Ashley’s hands, but we quickly discover that she thinks the object of the game is to shoot the other players on her team. Once she’s briefed on the actual rules, we watch as she goes postal on the already dead targets. Sure, all of the zombies are “already dead,” but I’m talking about the ones that have been taken down by the other paintballers. She shoots them just to make sure they’re good and killed, taking no consideration that they’re real people simply dressed as zombies. Real people that know how much paintballs hurt! I won’t even mention the crazy things coming out of her mouth during the entire date (see headline and article title above).
At the cocktail party, Ashley I. steals the spotlight again by showing Chris her magic lamp navel ring and inviting him to rub it for his first of three wishes. He makes the mistake of wishing for a kiss and she attempts to surgically remove his lips with her mouth, telling Chris about how she’s never had a boyfriend or had sex without saying a single word. For some reason, Chris really likes this and as we already know, Ashley I. will make it to the final three…unless Chris Harrison was talking about another virgin spending the night in the fantasy suite. I wouldn’t place any bets yet, since so far we have two widows (Kelsey and Juelia) and two women with children (Juelia and Mackenzie). We could very well have two virgins!
To cap the night off, Chris hands out roses to Britt, Ashley I., Trina, Kelsey, Samantha, and Juelia. I’m pausing to point out that Jillian learned nothing from Kylie on Juan Pablo’s season, as she not only steps forward after hearing the wrong name but trips on the rug. Then there’s Amber, Tracy, Jillian, Jade, Nikki, Becca, Carly, Whitney and…Ashley S! If he keeps Ashley S. around for one more episode, I will seriously start to question the authenticity of this show. I have a sneaking suspicion that the producers are telling him to give her roses just to see what kind of crazy things she’ll say, but they did also let him send home the two hilarious party girls, Tara and Jordan.
What did you think of this week’s episode? Who will go home next? Who will get Chris’ final rose? Let’s discuss in the comments below!